Two Things I Heard

It's Been Fun...

2010-09-20T22:14:00.004-05:00

It's really hard to believe that its been almost six years since I started this blog. A lot that has happened in the last six years! And although its been fun, but its time for the next level.

I've learned that there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven and my blogger season is ending. If you'd like to keep up, see what's on my mind you can find me here.

May the God of peace guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus...

Oh, the Irony

2010-09-15T10:26:00.003-05:00

I'm out this morning trying complete day 2 of week 4 in my Couch to 10K training program. This morning it was kicking my butt. I'm a sweaty, hot mess running in public. Loverly, really.

So, I'm running listening to my headphones, contemplating the teaching I'll be giving next week which is about how our significance is found in Jesus Christ, when a skinny-mini runs by all happy, looking cute in her running clothes (that actually match) and I feel myself slipping into the "If I looked like that then _________" thought pattern.

As I look down to see how much longer I actually have to be running I hear the words and music that are playing in my ears. It's Mandsia's "True Beauty"...and its not about Sex in the City, its about purity and true beauty.

It was in that moment I recognized how Satan had come to steal the true thoughts of my worth in Christ via a skinny-mini in matching running clothes. Well, this hot mess isn't going to let him. "It is in Christ I find out who I am and what I am living for." Eph 1:11 (Msg)

Season's

2010-09-13T18:20:00.002-05:00

Has anyone else noticed the butterflies? They are everywhere! They've changed from caterpillar's to butterflies. They've become what they were created to be and now they are flying.

Today I also noticed a lot of elderly people wherever I went. Whether it was at the chiropractor, Wal-Mart or the gym they were there, seasoned with life that has been lived. I got to thinking about how much they have seen in their lifetime. Did their mind ever conceive of the idea that photos would be digital? Did they ever think that their Gen-Y grandchildren would have trouble communicating in over 140 characters? Did they think we'd have come "this" far?

Yesterday the pastor of Strong Tower Bible Church made a statement about how he did not know all that God had planned for him when he said "yes" to God. He did not know he'd be speaking across the country, pastoring a church, teaching NFL players. He just said Yes.

Catterpillar's may not know what being a butterfly is like when they are a caterpillar. The elderly may not have imagined all of the technology we have now. And we will never know how far God will bring us when we say yes to Him.

A Confession of Sorts

2010-09-03T11:40:00.003-05:00

*The information you are about to read is very blunt and typed without a filter**

I'll admit it. I'm a headline reader. I visit AOL, Yahoo, MSN and read headlines. If they interest me, I'll keep reading. Sometimes I just think they are dumb headlines. I could write them, as could most of the population. However, one did catch my attention today. Its on AOL it says "Stephen Hawking Makes Bold Declaration."

"He recently said 'God did not create the universe"

Ok, I readily admit that I probably should know more about Stephen Hawking. I know he's a physicist, lectures and has a high IQ. Oh, and he thinks God did not create the universe. However, it leads me to this question

Who has given Stephen Hawking the authority to declare whether or not God did or did not create the universe?

Because he is intelligent? That gives him authority?

I'm intelligent and I say that God did create the universe.

That being said, I expect AOL to be writing a story about me and my thoughts. Stay tuned.

Its SO Comfy!

2010-08-25T11:15:00.002-05:00

I find myself very comfortable with life these days. It's somewhat disconcerting.

I mean, really--how often do you find every area of your life comfortable? Isn't there typically one area where you are struggling?

Of course, from the outside looking in, my life may not seem too comfy. I am in the middle of a career change, have many "wants/desires" that have yet to be met, have vague ideas about how my bills will be paid let alone save for retirement. You know, because I am getting to the age where "they" say I should be saving for such things--and "they" also would probably tell me I am behind already.

But, I'm comfy. Even better than that I love my life right now. I love the quiet mornings and the time spent in Scripture. I love meeting new people, hearing what God is doing in their lives and trying to write it down for other people to read. I enjoy brainstorming about new career opportunities, finishing books, visiting new coffee shops. I'm enjoying just being.

I'm excited for the new teaching opportunities that are headed my way. I'm excited about my new blog and the fact it'll be more focused than this one has been. (stay tuned for more details)

I'm excited that I have no idea what each day will bring and the opportunities each day presents in being radically different from the yesterday and ultimately dream how they can be Kingdom altering.

I say its comfy--but really its peaceful. There are many questions but none of them matter because the peace that passes my understanding is guarding my heart and my mind.

Maybe I should say "Peace is Comfy"

Yeah, I think that's it.

It's Raining

2010-08-18T15:10:00.003-05:00

The dark sky has opened and is unleashing an enormous amount of liquid onto the unsuspecting people sitting outside at this coffeehouse.

Traffic now slows and horns are honking, umbrellas are out and people are scurrying. We are an impatient people, are we not?

Every time I see it rain, the song lyric "Let it rain, Lord we're waiting for Your rain to fall" pops into my head. It's an early 90's Newsboys song which just goes to show that music is powerful.

Anyway, I digress--back to the rain.

On my good days--there is nothing I want more than for the Lord to rain down all that He has for me. Good or "bad', difficult or easy...I just want what He wants for me.

On my good days--I am able to know that He is moving and I take the appropriate steps to become drenched in the rain.

On my bad days--I honk my car horn, I run to get out of the rain, I complain about my circumstances.

Here's to more good days, than bad.

Even so--Come Lord Jesus. Come.

It's Not Such a Little Thing*

2010-08-11T22:54:00.002-05:00

Don't you love those moments?!?

You know the moments I'm talking about, right? You are thinking of one right now. Yeah, it's one of those moments.

It isn't embarrassing or silly. It's definitely not insignificant. But it is brief, fleeting.

It's definitely not small though.

It's the moment when all-is-right-with-the-world. It's the moment when you realize the mundane has been infused with a little of the extraordinary.

I just had one of those moments. I was driving home with the windows down and the hot night air was whipping my hair around and making my skin sticky, whilst a very familiar song played on the radio.

I had one of those moments two days ago when I was making pizza with four lovely young women, whom I've had the privilege of watching grow up. They aren't the same women I met seven years ago. They each remind me of me in their own little way.

I have these moments when I sit on the beach at sunset. Or when I laugh at an inside joke with a friend. Or when I hear my family laugh and out-talk each other.

These are brief and fleeting moments, but they are definitely not small.

It'sThat Time...

2010-08-03T09:18:00.003-05:00

Ecclesiastes 3 tells us there is a time for every activity under heaven and that we cannot fathom what God has done from the beginning to the end.

I believe time to be a bitter sweet necessity in our lives. Bitter because we get frustrated with God when He does not do things in our time-frame. Sweet because if he hadn't given us a 24-hr day, who knows what we would try to accomplish! We need time and yet it can be the very thing that keeps us from continuing to follow Christ whole heartedly. It can be a deterrent of trust.

I know in my own life I seem to be frustrated the most when God has said no to something I think would be best for me, right now. Whether it was a great career or the man I wanted to marry, God said its not time yet.

What is it you had hoped God would do, but you have yet to see it happen? Let me encourage you with this--Abraham was 100-years-old when Isaac was born. and Moses was 80-years-old when God sent him back to the Promise Land to free His people.

What God has promised to do for you

He.
Will.
Do.

There is a time for everything. Do not let being caught here on this earth, stuck in time, deter you from trusting the One who lives in eternity.

I've Returned

2010-08-02T07:43:00.002-05:00

I've returned from the Proverbs 31 "She Speaks" Conference!

To those who were praying for me--yes it was great. I learned a lot and met some really great people.

To those really great people I met--I look forward to seeing how God continues to use us to glorify Him and His Kingdom!

For now I'm going to breathe deeply, love my family intensely and pray fiercely.

525,600 Minutes...

2010-07-26T16:31:00.002-05:00

When God asked me to "relax and receive", I'm glad He did not give me a time frame. I would have flipped out had I known it be at least a year. I do not think I would have listened. I would have found my own way.

In the last 525,600 minutes I have received much. Too many things to list here. Too many friends to mention. Too many blessings in what should have been a very dark time in my life. So I'll write about one gift I received.

I found me. I got myself back. I hadn't realized how much of me had gone missing in three and half years. My soul is no longer angry 80% of the time. I breathe deeper breaths. I think I laugh more. I am calmer than before. I hope more often. I dream again. I wake up with prayers being the first thing in my mind, not dread.

I'm more grounded than before. I know my weaknesses, my limitations and am more inclined to ask for help.

Places of my heart have healed--and I'm still unaware of it. I've learned I don't have to earn, but I can just be.

Although there are days I think it should be over, more often than not, when I'm quiet. I can feel peace seep into the deep places and I remember who I am and who I serve.

It Should Be Over

2010-07-14T09:03:00.002-05:00

Have you ever gotten to that point where you think the season should be over? When I lived in Michigan it was always mid-March when I thought winter should be over. I was done. There had been enough snow and gray skies, it was time for spring. It was time for new. Here in Tennessee I get this way early September, when I'm tired of the heat and humidity and long for sweater and flops temperatures.

Currently I can honestly say that I'm ready for this season of unemployment to be over. I'm tired of resting. (ironic, maybe?) I'm ready to work. I'm ready for God to say "go here. do this". The temptation to believe that this season will be like the winters of Narnia when the White Witch ruled, is very present.

In the same breath, I know I will long for these days. When my life is whirlwind crazy and I'm back to spreading myself too thin I will ask God for another year to rest. I understand this last year is a rare gift that He does not offer to everyone. I know I'm not the same person I was last July. And I'm grateful for it. I found me again.

Paul tells the Philippians that he " has learned the secret to being content, whether living in plenty or in want, being well fed or hungry." What's the secret? "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

So once again I have the joy of knowing its not in my own strength that I wait for this season to be over.

It will not be in my own strength that I will survive the whirlwind crazy life again.

It is because I wait on the Lord that my strength is renewed. I will soar on wings like eagles. I will run and not grow weary...

Rain and Bows

2010-06-28T11:39:00.005-05:00

I think I was five-years-old. I was contently sitting under the big picture window, reading my library of Dr. Seuss books when my dad came in the back door frantically saying my name and "Come quick! You have to see this!"

"But ddaaaaddd! it's raining! I do not want to get wet!" I replied.

I'm not exactly sure what happened next, but I do remember ending up outside, getting wet. I also remember the sun was shining. As we carried me to the perfect spot in our back yard--he pointed and said "Look up there. Do you see it?? It's a rainbow."

There it was...this red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple streak in the sky. It was quite impressive!

I was reading in Genesis 6-9 today about Noah and his first encounter with a rainbow. It was after the flood, after being on an ark for a year and ten days with his immediate family and every living creature that was created. It was after seeing rain for the first time. It was after his life changed forever.

And it was a sign. It was God's symbol that he would keep his covenant to never flood the earth again.

Today we stop what we are doing and race outside (sometimes in the rain) to look at rainbows. We stare for a while and return to whatever it is we were doing.

Maybe we should do that with the covenants of God too. Maybe we should run to remember the covenants God has made in scripture, read/stare/apply them and return to whatever it is we were doing.

Maybe then we'll see the beauty in them as well as in rainbows.

*photo found via google images

Songs and Such

2010-06-22T22:34:00.003-05:00

For the last month or so an odd phenomenon has been occurring in my brain. You see, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and have two competing thoughts vying for my minds attention. The front of my head is typically the negative thought. It's usually about something I messed up or something I should have done with my day that I did not and sometimes the self-loathing thoughts get the better of me. After all, it is the middle of the night and I was just awakened for no apparent reason.

The second competing thought, in the back of mind, is a song. Always a song. And it's a song that directly contradicts the negative. i.e. "How He loves" and "He Is Stronger" (these two seem to repeat themselves quite often in that half of my brain)

It's one thing to know there is a war being fought over my mind, it's totally different to experience this war in such a vivid way.

So tonight as I was losing my voice singing way off key at Kairos, I got to thinking about this war that goes on in my head. I realized that sometimes I cannot remember how far God has brought me. Sometimes I cannot think of truth and I do not always remember that I am created in the image of God and how much worth that gives me.

So I sing.

I use words and melodies as weapons.

He makes me victorious.

Fields of Fireflies

2010-06-12T20:54:00.003-05:00

After visiting a friend today, I decided to drive the back roads to my home. Although it was a hot and sticky day I drove with my window down. Every now and again I could smell the humidity mixed with the faint scent of rolled hay. (I was driving through farm country.) It wasn't until the later half of my drive that I noticed the fireflies.

Fireflies intrigue me. I'm not sure why, but it's true.

Maybe its because I think its fun that God would create a bug whose butt lights up. Maybe its because they were one of the easiest bugs for my seven-year-old hands to catch.

As I stood near the fence line and watched the fireflies light up the field I realized they really make the mundane field--exciting. They make the ordinary--unusual. They make taking time to watch them--meaningful.

They reminded me of the lyric I had just listened to "Holy design. This place in time. That I might seek and find my God. My God."

Fields of Fireflies make me stop and notice them. They settle my heart to a point that I am comfortable to seek and find my God.

Perhaps, that's why God created a bug whose butt lights up.

Wait? Really?

2010-06-11T12:03:00.002-05:00

Why? Why do we not like to wait?

Why are we afraid to do nothing? Why must there be constant busy-ness?

Ever play the game “Frogger”? I may have just dated myself, but this was my favorite Atari™ game. I would have to play it at my aunt’s house because we did not own it. If you’ve never played it goes something like this.

Basically you are a frog. And as the frog, your goal is to jump through the four lanes of traffic, across the gator filled water safely onto your lilipad. Ideally you do this without being run over, falling prey to a gator or the clear-blue water they live in. To wait in the road was to die. To wait on the log above the water could prove to be dangerous; you may lose your life.

Even the Atari™ tries to tell me waiting too long is not beneficial to one’s life.

Why do we not like to wait?

We will tolerate waiting, but only for a period of time. Ever watch a crowd of concert goers? They know the doors are supposed to open at 6:00. They will wait in line to get in, but if you watch closely you can see the crowd get more and more agitated as 6:05 and 6:07 begin to appear on their watches.

Are we afraid we will miss something?

Un-Inspired

2010-06-06T23:07:00.004-05:00

It has been an adventuresome couple of weeks for me. Dog sitting, trip to MI, more dog sitting. Time has been filled with relaxing, reading, beaches, camping, family time, parades, favorite donuts, birthday parties, minor league baseball games, confirmation of life's direction, spiritual lows, encouragement, waring, victory tainted with small moments of defeat.

In all of the adventure you would think I'd have something to write. You would think I'd have a witty comment or other random story.

I've got nothing. Maybe its the busy-ness and lack of sleep. Maybe the weariness of waiting is weighing too heavily on my heart.

I am unable to put my finger on it. And maybe I don't need to name it. Maybe it is what it is and I go to bed tonight hoping to not know just tomorrow's mercies are new, but to feel it as well.
Maybe...

The Swell Season

2010-05-20T10:03:00.003-05:00

Last Tuesday I was able to go and see The Swell Season at the Ryman. Glen and Marketa are amazing in the movie "Once" and just as legit live if not better. Their voices seem to meld passion and purity in the most intriguing way. Indeed, it is swell. (you knew the pun was coming right?)

It got me thinking--what is a swell season? What does a season of increasing or a season of swelling actually look like? My immediate first thought is a period of time where life is fantastic. Everything is going the way you designed, your job is great, friends and family are healthy and happy. You laugh more than you are sad. Aren't all of these characteristics of blessing and increase?

Then I looked up the word swell at dictionary.com. The first definition of the word (when used with an object) is "to cause to grow up in bulk". Really? That's what swell means?

Because its typically in the difficult, not-so-great moments of my life where I grow up. It is in the making hard choices, in the waiting verses controlling and in trying to stop myself from manipulating others that I have seen the most growth in life.

It is also these moments that allow me to laugh more. There is a richness in the not-so-great moments of life that enable to me to understand the truly awe-inspiring moments.

The Swell Season--they write about ups and downs, tragedy and joy. And I tend to agree--it's all swell.

Reflecting...

2010-05-11T12:34:00.002-05:00

Today has been a day of remembering for me. That being said, I'm re-posting one of my entries from January of 2009. It's still so true.

Yesterday the 44th President of the United States was sworn in to office. At the end of his inaugural address he quotes the following:

With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

When I heard these words, my immediate reaction was not to fight for my country, but rather, for my God. Life is different today than it was yesterday. My children's futures will be

different than mine; and this is a good thing. We do not want to be a static people.

And I do want my children's children to say that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end. The journey of bringing truth and freedom, love and justice, hope and peace to the generations that follow us. May my children's children know that it is because of God's grace that we were able to fight and that they, too, are able to share in it.

May the Church's unity be what sets us apart. May our love for our God not be hindered by our greed and selfishness. May we truly turn the other cheek, give extra clothing, and walk two miles instead of just one to ensure that the love Christ has for all peoples is known throughout the world.

May this be the legacy my generation leaves behind, and the one future generations refuse to falter. With strength that only comes from weaknesses, may we see the glory and the power of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen and Amen...

Impossible

2010-05-06T14:03:00.003-05:00

I was driving home after a wonderful lunch with a great friend, pondering all that is my life as of late. I write, speak, and teach every now and again. I dog sit, help people who need it and have coffee with friends.

It's not so shabby.

I am also believing for some impossible things. Things I cannot do on my own, things I cannot begin to make happen.

There are two lyrics that have been my friend and my nemesis the last nine months: "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord..." and "I believe Your my healer...nothing is impossible for You. You hold the world in Your hands..." Inevitably when doubts begin to overcome my faith I start hearing these songs everywhere.

So back to the driving. As I wandered past the local high school, behind a too slow moving vehicle, I began to realize how many "flippant" prayer's God has been answering, how He's answering them in ways I would not have, hallelujah, and how I have no idea why He's placed these impossible desires on my heart--but the peace that surrounds them leaves no doubt He will make them happen.

Again, its not something I can make happen, its definitely not something I would dream for myself, but I definitely look forward to Him accomplishing all He has in mind to accomplish. For His glory and my good.

Floods

2010-05-03T08:08:00.004-05:00

It's flooding in my area. This place is only 7ish miles from my home. I haven't ventured out to see the damage for myself, mainly because I don't want to be in the way of clean up efforts.

On facebook and other areas there have been two reactions--shock and "Noah" references. Personally its very shocking to me. The devastation and ongoing ramifications are staggering. Yet we can still see buildings, tops of trees and although the street lights are almost under water they are not.

When Noah opened the window after the 40 days of rain--he saw nothing. Just water. His world was completely different. Changed. New. His reaction after reaching dry land? Worship.

*photo found @claytravisBGID

Stories...

2010-04-27T08:28:00.003-05:00

I love stories. As a child I had a book shelf under the big picture window in our front room where I would sit and read my entire library of Dr. Seuss. I am still an avid reader, switching between fiction and non-fiction.

But not only do I enjoy reading stories, I love hearing them. When I first became unemployed I wondered how to get a job that involved coffee and listening to people's life-stories. If I had a dream job description it would have to involve those two things. People and coffee.

In just a few minutes I'll be meeting with a couple, over coffee, to hear what God is doing in their story. Then I will write a little diddy for the church's website.

Story, people, coffee and writing. I'm getting close.

Confident?

2010-04-22T09:11:00.004-05:00

I'm an "I" personality. If you've ever taken then DISC profile personality test you know what I am talking about. If you haven't but know the one about the animals--I believe they call my personality an "otter". I have a book that lists the characteristics of an "I" personalities. One trait it mentions is: "masks insecurities with over confidence".

I cannot speak for others--but I can say this is very true of me. There. I've said it. *sigh of relief*

Because of this, when I read Philippians 1 I'm intrigued. Paul is writing to the church in Philippi, while under house arrest in Rome and he tells them that he is confident that God will continue the good work He has started in them and that he's confident he'll see them again.

Confident in God continuing to work in the church--I get that. Confident/Convinced that he'll see them again? Really? You are under house arrest. People are talking about how you will die.

I looked up the Greek word used here for confident--it means "to rely (by inward certainty)--agree, assure, believe, have confidence, be confident, make friend, obey, persuade, trust, yield.

Paul was certain he'd see the Philippians again. But certain in what? "I am confident in the Lord that I will come too". (2:24) It's like he is saying: "I rely on the Lord...I will come see you. I agree with the Lord...I obey, trust, yield to the Lord."

I will always struggle with masking my insecurities with over confidence. I used to hate it--now I know its a gift. It keeps me from being too confident in myself; and solely confident in the Lord.

Its Annoying When...

2010-04-19T16:07:00.002-05:00

...you get "inspired" to write and you are nowhere near a computer. I should really get one of those recorder things John Cusack uses in "Say Anything". It could be beneficial to my loyal blog readers.

Below are some one-liners from my weekend, hopefully these will keep you entertained until my next bout of inspiration comes.

"Yes, one of the things I like about him is that he's a boy."
"I feel so grown up when I actually go inside the bank"
"He turned the gun sideways, it's a kill shot!"
"Are my eyes as red and puffy as yours?"
"Did you just move in?"
"Yes, but are they as nice as Jesus' abs?"
"I haven't been in this church service for five years, yet the song still doesn't end until after the key change."
"Even the mundane was ornate"
"What's your southern belle name again? Hudlah?"
"...and we'll have a pet elephant named Henry..."

Pizza...

2010-04-13T11:13:00.002-05:00

Today I received an email asking me "what is your favorite food"? In high school, you're supposed to say pizza. However, almost 14 years later--I have the same answer. I almost feel lame. But for better or worse I could probably eat pizza every day. Maybe not with the same toppings, but I could eat it every day.

What about you? What's your favorite food?

Just Another Friday?

2010-04-08T11:14:00.002-05:00

What made last Friday so "special"? That is one of the questions I received. Thanks for asking!
It's true--it may have felt like just another Friday to most.

For those who are Christ followers--its a day to remember the cornerstone of our faith. That Jesus Christ, who did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, being found in the likeness of man, humbled himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross. The punishment that was meant for me was taken on Himself. Because of it I am healed.

Then came Sunday. Easter Sunday--where Christ followers remember and celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. He defeated death on deaths own terms. If Christ did not die and rise again then our faith is void and meaningless.

So, while it does have tendencies to seem like "just another Friday", remembering sacrifice and celebrating resurrected life make it significant.

Good Friday

2010-04-02T16:35:00.002-05:00

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. Duet 6:4-9

Thunderstorms and Peace

2010-03-25T17:56:00.003-05:00

A storm's a brewin'! I'm in a cafe full of windows, and I love to watch the sky light up. As the trees sway back and forth I am reminded that my God is personal. He is near. He is a God of details and He has not forgotten me.

Now the roar of the rain on the roof is louder than the music in my ears.

Chaos rains and my inmost being is at peace.
Why?
Because I know the rain maker and, more importantly, He knows me.

Leftovers...

2010-03-23T11:23:00.003-05:00

"When they were full, He [Jesus] told His disciples, "Collect the leftovers so that nothing is wasted." So they collected them and filled 12 baskets with the pieces from the five barley loaves that were left over by those who had eaten." John 6:12-13

Jesus' miracle of feeding 5,000 men with 5 loaves and 2 fish is probably one of his better known miracles, right next to turning water into wine. Even if you didn't grow up around Christians you may have heard that Jesus did these two things.

A couple of phrases stick out to me here. "When they were full....so that nothing is wasted".

Being full is a great feeling isn't it? You know when you've hit that point because you sigh. Its a sigh of contentment. When the people were content...Jesus still had leftovers.

Typically I'm not a fan of leftovers. They're o.k., but food is always better the first time around. Sometimes I have the best intentions of eating the leftovers, but more often than not they get thrown away.

Not so with Jesus. The leftovers were collected so that nothing was wasted. This specific instance it was food leftovers that were not wasted--but I think it can also be said of our life leftovers.

Jesus doesn't waste what we think are leftovers. He collects them, redeems them, and reuses them.

Ears, Abs and Basketball

2010-03-19T12:50:00.002-05:00

I am not feeling the best. Its finally decided to be spring and my ears are draining. This happens every spring and every fall and lends itself to a lot of naps and blank stares. In conjunction with ear drainage--I have the "just started working out again and can 't laugh and/or cough without my abs hurting" pain.

I'm glad there is March Madness to keep this semi-coherent girl company.

Japanese Imperfection

2010-03-04T14:56:00.000-06:00

I just read this in an msn article about looking for Mr. Right (yeap--I still read those) but I want to take it deeper.

Here's the quote:

"In America, when a potter makes a pot, they put a glaze on it and put it in the kiln and know exactly what it's supposed to look like when it comes out. But when the Japanese make a pot, they put it in a wood-fire kiln that could be any temperature, and when they take the pot out, it's not always exactly like they thought it was supposed to look like. And they say, 'Oh, wow, this is what the fire did to the pot and it's gorgeous!' They believe there's no beauty in perfection."

We've probably all heard that God is a Master Potter. "He is the potter, we are the clay". I believe all too often we function as America. We think our lives should like exactly like "_________". We make our sculpture, but the glaze of prayer on it and stick it in the kiln expecting it to come out with God's approval stamped on it--exactly like we pictured it."

However, what if it’s more like the Japanese? What if life turns out not exactly like we thought it would, and yet it is still gorgeous? What if we really embraced the idea that there is no beauty in perfection?

Because, I think, in order to know there is beauty in the world, we also have to know the imperfect. We have to remember that our God is in the business of redeeming the imperfect. And really--is there anything more beautiful than redemption?

Seasons Change

2010-03-02T11:22:00.004-06:00

Seasons change. The earth rotates, weather patterns shift and seasons come and go. There are dry and rainy seasons. There are cold and warm seasons. Everyone has a favorite season or at least a season they enjoy better than the others.

In the book of Ecclesiastics, Solomon informs us that there is a time, a season, for everything. And the Byrds taught us that the seasons do, indeed, turn, turn, turn.

Where I live its unusual to have snow in March. Where I grew up, it's the norm. It's our nature to anticipate the turning of seasons. It's our nature to be tired of cold or of heat. It's also our nature to think whichever season we are in will never end.

And thinking the seasons will never end--is a lie. It's a lie we get stuck in. If it is summer--we think life will never get better than this. If it is winter we believe it will never end, especially when there is snow in March. Sometimes we're crazy enough to be sitting under a cloudless sky with a warm breeze wondering when the rain will come to ruin the beauty we're enjoying.

The truth is--seasons change. Life continues to rotate, change, move and things will be better or will get worse. However, unless you are dead, its not the end.

Whichever season you are in...enjoy it. Enjoy the fact that although it may be painful--you are still feeling. You are not numb. If you think life couldn't possibly get any better--enjoy it and be thankful that it probably will.

Seasons change--even if there is snow in March.

Its just not comfy...

2010-02-18T22:01:00.002-06:00

One of my hopes in life is that my home is comfy, no matter how many times I move. I want people to feel welcomed and cozy. I hope they are free to be themselves and find some sort of rest for the time they are here. After all, who really likes feeling uncomfortable and awkward?

Yet its exactly where I find myself living most days. In my life I tend to live in this tension between comfortable and uncomfortable. It is a tension between dependence and independence, control and lack of control, manipulation and trust.

I want life to be comfy but a lot of times its not. It's about something more than being comfortable--It's about wanting others to see Jesus. More than seeing God grant the "wishes" of my heart, I want him to place/give me desires for my heart. More than having a trouble-free life, I want Him to receive glory.

His glory is better than my comfort.

Brightness

2010-02-11T11:53:00.006-06:00

In the last couple of weeks, Tennesseans have not seen much of the sun. It can make people cranky! This is understandable. Yesterday I was driving around town thinking of how bright the sun is because, when you haven't seen it in a while, it feels new and bright.

Yesterday was also a very harsh day. It was a day of difficult conversations, of mental block and mental attacks along withdrawn provision--and that's just me. I do not have time to mention my other friends who are having car trouble, work difficulties, family health issues, etc.

This morning, with a new perspective, I realized that it makes sense. There is a group of us woman gathering to help teach other woman about Surrendered Hearts, why wouldn't there be struggles? Of course Satan would want our attention focused on other things?

My daily devo in Jesus Calling today said this: "I am training you to practice Peace that overpowers darkness"
overpowers.
darkness.

Like the sun when you haven't seen it in many days, so too, is the brightness of peace that overpowers darkness.

A Confession of Sorts

2010-02-09T10:00:00.008-06:00

I sit wrapped in a blanket made from some of my great grandfather's old shirts and handkerchiefs. I am watching it snow. Snow, like the ocean, has a great calming effect on me. As I sit under this blanket I wonder if I will know a love so intimate that it would give me opportunity to make blankets out of his old shirts. I hold back tears as “what if’s” and “could have been’s” rattle in my heart, while my head is grateful for the God orchestrated path my life has taken.

The snow outside my window drops in big, wet flakes and yet it isn’t really accumulating. I wonder if this is how manna looked. The tree-sitting cardinal is having a difficult time disguising itself, surrounded by all the white. And although he is my nemesis, he is very beautiful this morning. Maybe this is a good picture for temptation—it’s my nemesis but it does look beautiful.

This snow is for me. Soon my day will begin and crazy things I am unaware of will happen. But for a brief moment my sad soul is quiet and still. The mantra I chose to breathe in sounds like this “Abba, I trust You. Abba, I trust You.” And although I feel like I am as exposed as the cardinal in the tree, I pray for my arms to be held high and my heart to be abandoned to the One who gave it all…for me.

After all--it's the blanket of His love I am wrapped in and it is more intimate than the love of my great grandparents.

White as Snow

2010-01-31T07:49:00.006-06:00

This morning I sit drinking my cup of coffee and see the sun reflect off the snow. Its very bright. The world is very calm. Its not moving. Its being still. It reminds me of Isaiah 1:18 "Come, let us discuss this," says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they will be white as snow; though they are as red as crimson, they will be like wool"

I am probably not the only one who is reminded of this verse when it snows, or at least I hope I'm not. But maybe, maybe there is more to them being "white as snow" than just the color. Perhaps there is a peace, a calm, a being still that occurs when we recognize the truth of this passage. Maybe our hearts are brighter as they now reflect the Son.

White as snow--Its about more than color.

He doesn't Have to...

2010-01-25T15:11:00.000-06:00

Instead of making resolutions each new year, I make a "wish list". On this list are items that I hope will be accomplished in the current year. Some items listed I have to activity pursue accomplishing and others that only happen because of prayer. My list for 2010 has only eight items on it, but most fall into the "only happen because of prayer" category.

We're 25 days into the new year and I am see evidences of how four of the eight are already being answered. There is something very sweet about the time when you pray and immediately God opens your eyes to see how He is answering. He doesn't have to show me anything, yet because of His great love He chooses to give answers in abundance.

Patience..

2010-01-19T17:03:00.001-06:00

Your patience while there is minor formatting construction @ twothingsiheard is greatly appreciated!

In Rememberence

2010-01-18T09:25:00.001-06:00

In the Struggle...

In the struggle for the freedom of my people, I have known very few quiet days in the last few years. I have been imprisoned 12 times; my home has been bombed twice, I have been the victim of a near fatal stabbing. At times...I have felt that I could no longer...bear such a heavy burden..., and have been tempted to retreat. But ev'ry time that temptation appeared something came to strengthen and sustain my determination.

To our most bitter opponents, we say:

"We shall match your capacity to inflict suffering by our capacity to endure suffering. We shall meet your physical forces with soul force. Do to us what you will, and we shall continue to love you. Throw us into jail and we shall still love you. Bomb our homes! Threaten our children! We shall still love you! Send your hooded perpetrators of violence into our community at the midnight hours, and beat us and leave us half dead, and we shall still love you! One day we shall win freedom, but not only for ourselves. We shall so apeal to your heart, that we shall win you, and our victory will be a double victory!"

It may get me crucified. I may die. But I want it said, even if I die in the struggle, that, "He died to make me free!"

~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Mess-imony...

2010-01-07T16:53:00.000-06:00

Last week I was listening to a video testimony of a woman from my church. She made this statement "I knew I had a soul, I didn't know if I had a heart". She had been through a lot of hurt in life and lost sight of her heart. That's a very haunting statement to me. "I didn't know if I had a heart."

She goes on to speak of how Christ found the pieces of her heart and brought them back together. I believe her to know Christ as Healer in a way I may never know. I have known sorrow and the pain from that sorrow reminded me that I had a heart--that I was still feeling...something.

I imagine her to relationship with Christ to be much richer for knowing that He can, and longs to, put the pieces back together. That He isn't a God who is around when you lose your heart, but He is the God who carries you through the nasty to show you He's had your heart, complete and whole, all along. You thought pieces fell away. He's always had them.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever." ~Psalm 73:26

Washing Dishes and Mashing Potatoes

2010-01-02T13:32:00.000-06:00

In a few moments I'm off to begin (or continue) my contemplative/reflecting day. We all have one of these days around January 1, don't we? Its time to write down the hopes, dreams, and goals I would like to accomplish in 2010. This also requires reminiscing about the past year and more specifically the last couple of weeks. Not to mention thinking through the last decade and realizing it was 10 years ago this month I was with the college choir in Hawaii. 10 years!

I am a journal-er, and hadn't made it to writing about my trip to MI yet. As I thinking about my favorite family moments,I surprised myself. One of my favorite moments was Christmas Eve when I was doing dishes with Kathleen and Laura. I was in charge of putting the items away because "I knew where things went at mom's house". In one of my many attempts to figure out exactly where mom's "fancy" dishes actually went, I turned around and stopped for a moment. I watched two groups of family members working on the puzzles mom had given us, I saw another texting and, of course, dishes being done. We were just being. And it was real, genuine, honest. For a too brief moment all was well.

Another favorite moment was Christmas day. Christmas morning I help my grandmother get ready for the arrival of the rest of the family. Mashed potatoes and stuffing are on my to-do list when I arrive. This has become a very sweet tradition to me. I get my own "grandma" time without anyone interrupting. She lets me in on family updates, and more importantly--on her secrets. If I listen carefully I can hear heart and see how she's really doing. Its not often she lets people in enough to see her heart. I am forever grateful for these moments.

Washing dishes and mashing potatoes--its not as trivial as you may think.

Primal...

2009-12-15T15:46:00.001-06:00

If you have heard about Mark Batterson, I am guessing it is either because you attend his church or because you have read In A Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day. I happen to fall into the later category with aspirations of visiting NCC and Ebenezer's one day.

Currently, I'm reading through his newest epic--Primal. I'm only about 3/4ths of the way in, yet I feel the need to stop and process the many thoughts that have been underlined.

However, there is one thought that continues to be at the forefront of my mind. "The truth is that most of us are already educated way beyond the level of our obedience."

Educated beyond my obedience? Am I? Does my obedience need to catch up with my knowledge? What's the point of knowledge without obedience? Is there one?

In Acts 4, John and Peter stood before the Jewish leadership to give an account for telling everyone about Jesus. Verse 13 says "When they observed the boldness of Peter and John and realized that they were uneducated and untrained men, they were amazed and knew that they had been with Jesus"

I'll be considered "uneducated" if that means people know I've been with Jesus.

Mark also says this, "As I tried to absorb the significance of where I was (ancient catacomb), I couldn't help but wonder if our generation has conveniently forgotten how inconvenient it can be to follow in the footsteps of Christ. I couldn't help but wonder if we have diluted the truths of Christianity and settled for superficialities. I couldn't help but wonder if we have accepted a form of Christianity that is more educated but less powerful, more civilized but less compassionate, more acceptable but less authentic..."

Primal--makes you question your motives. Do you want truth or to be superficial? Do you want education or the power of Jesus? Civilized or compassionate? acceptable or authentic?

Current Prayer...

2009-12-14T10:45:00.000-06:00

For grace that is greater than my heartbreak--I love you.
For encouragement through Your people--I thank you.
For always knowing and being near me--I praise you.

Overlooked

2009-12-10T16:29:00.000-06:00

Go here. Help malaria, sex trafficking victims, those in poverty. Provide clean water and opportunity...

Book Junkie...

2009-12-08T08:44:00.000-06:00

I love books.
I have piles of books, some I have read, so I have yet to read.
It's fantastic.
I was alerted of this website where you can purchase books and donate to global literacy. Woo-hoo! If you're buying someone books for Christmas, check out Better World Books.
ASAP!

Guilty...

2009-12-03T09:43:00.000-06:00

Ok. I admit it. I like presents. I like giving them and I like receiving them. I do not like it so much because its "stuff" but because it means that someone had thought about me, remembered me, and cares about me. If you are familiar at all with the "love languages" I believe the language of "gifts" is running a close second next to my main language of "words" and such.

This joy of giving and receiving clashes largely with my loathe of the craziness that Christmas has become. I often feel guilty for wanting presents at this time of year. I want to fully support Advent Conspiracy and other such options. Spend less! Worship more!

How do I reconcile these two polar opposites in my life? Especially when I want to give presents as well. The only idea that has come to mind is to ask for/give from organizations that benefit others. i.e. Tom Shoes and Land of Thousand Hills coffee. Or, if I lived in Grand Rapids, MI...I'd give to people from MadCap Coffee because I know the beans there are brought from farmers them selves.

These are the only organizations/companies I'm currently aware of that give to others as well. Do you know of more??

A Book in Review

2009-11-24T23:32:00.001-06:00

I was introduced to Margaret Feinberg at Catalyst. She was promoting her new book Scouting the Divine. My Search for God in Wine, Wool and Wild Honey. As she was talking about it, I mentally made a note to figure out where I could get a copy of the book. Then the interviewer said my new favorite phrase "and we are giving everyone a copy". I came home, finished the book I was in the midst of and immediately moved this book to the top of my "to read" pile.

In this book, Margaret discusses the time she spent with a shepherdess in Oregon, a farmer in Nebraska, a bee keeper in Colorado and a vintner in California. Why was she doing this? Because Scripture speaks these professions in a very profound way.

I was half way through reading about her time in Oregon when I text'd a friend and said "Is it ok that I weep through this entire book?" The answers shepherdess Lynne was giving about insights into who God is, without even knowing it, has been priceless. I found myself wanting to be like the sheep named Iris.

As you read Scouting the Divine...you feel as though you are actually in Oregon, Nebraska, Colorado and California. Maybe it was because I always read this book with coffee and/or tea in hand, but reading it felt cozy. I finished this book a few weeks ago and I still smile as I remember the stories, or more importantly, the truth she wrote.

When God is Silent...

2009-11-11T09:29:00.001-06:00

I've been frustrated lately. There's a specific prayer I've been praying for the last three months and God continues to stay silent on the issue. Yet, He is moving and doing and answering prayers in almost every other arena of my life and the lives of those around me. This made me wonder...when we are frustrated that God is silent, is He really being silent? Or is He being silent about one particular subject in our lives?

Recovering...

2009-11-02T17:24:00.001-06:00

Now the tax collectors and "sinners" were all gathering around to hear him [Jesus]. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, "This man welcomes sinners and eats with them."--Luke 15:1-2

I'm a recovering Pharisee. Meaning--I am recovering from thinking I'm am the religious elite and that following Jesus Christ is all about rules, getting things right, making sure everyone knows you have all the right answers and "look good on paper". I'm recovering from being known for what I am against, and working towards being known for what I am for.

Being in recovery, I often find myself slipping back into this Pharisee mentality. I still struggle with wanting to be perfect, with wanting to get everything right and with looking foolish. But more than wanting all of those things, I want to hear Jesus.

The tax collectors and "sinners" wanted to hear Jesus more than the church goers. The outsiders wanted to hear what he was saying more than the insiders.

I'll let go of me being "right" and having all the answers. I'll let go of looking like I have it all together and I'll let go of anything else that's in my way---so I can hear Jesus.

"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner." Luke 18:13

It was...

2009-10-30T09:46:00.001-05:00

nice. beautiful. energizing. rainy. sunny. quiet. beautiful. relaxing. needed. refreshing.
I'm not quite ready to share all that I absorbed.
When you read about Mary, the mother of Jesus, in scripture you'll notice this phrase follows some of the events in her life "and Mary pondered all of these things in her heart."
I'm still in a place of pondering. Not quite ready for reality yet. But I will leave you with this picture from my last morning there.
Enjoy. and thanks for the prayers.

I didn't know...

2009-10-25T21:31:00.000-05:00

Each fall I usually take myself on a spiritual retreat somewhere. Seeing as I haven't had a job for the last three months, I didn't think I needed one this year. I have been overwhelmingly blessed with time. Time to rest, be with people, travel, volunteer, and be in the scriptures. Who needs to retreat from all of that goodness?

Tomorrow I leave for East Tennessee. I've had mixed feelings about this trip. Guilt-- for actually being able to leave. Joy--cause its peak fall colors and I get to sit on the side of a mountain and enjoy them. Hope--that God will open my eyes to more of Him. Pathetic-ness--for needing more. Overwhelmed--because who am I that I get to do all of these things? I could go on and on.

This morning we sang this simple lyric "I want You. I need You."

I didn't know until this morning...I need to retreat. I need God to show up, even more.

I was Reminded...

2009-10-20T16:01:00.000-05:00

I was reminded yesterday that I am a fringe person. I notice the people on the fringes. This, apparently, is an admirable quality. To be honest, I struggle being here. I think my entire life has been about trying to fit in, instead of standing out. Why? That's a good question. Let me tell you.

Its because sometimes the loneliness of sticking out is too painful. At Catalyst Rob Bell talked about the 9 words in Exodus 20. (aka the 10 Commandments). He talked about how in Jewish tradition, number 10 was really a reward for obeying the previous 9. what's word 10? It's the "do not covet your neighbors _______" Don't want what your neighbor has. Why is this a reward? Because when you are doing what God has asked you to do, you do not want to be anyone else.

You do not want to be anyone else. I confess there are many days I want to be someone else. Its true that many people are never content with what they have been given. If you have straight hair, you want curly. If you have curly you want straight. If you are single, you want to be married, if you are married you want to be single. If you are a career mom you want to be a stay-at-home one and if you are a stay-at-home mom, you want to have a career.

Its a vicious cycle that I get sucked into almost on a daily basis. Its a constant struggle to remind myself that what I have, now, is good. When Paul says in Philippians that he's learned to be content no matter the circumstances--I so want to ask him how he learned it! However, I have a feeling I wouldn't like his answer.

If I keep my eyes on Jesus...the rest of the world grows strangely dim. If I keep my eyes on Jesus...I can love those fringe people. If I keep my eyes on Jesus--I do not want to be anyone else.

2009-10-13T17:50:00.001-05:00

"Whenever the cloud lifted from above the Tent, the Israelites set out; wherever the cloud settled, the Israelites encamped."Numbers 9:17

Catalyst 09

2009-10-10T20:39:00.000-05:00

I went to a Catalyst Confernce in Atlanta this week. As my brian digests all of the wisdom I received, I hope to pass along some encouragement to you. For now, please note the links next to this entry under "Social Justice Sites". There's some amazing organizations out there working hard to right some injustice. Visit their sites, get involved!

Lyrics..

2009-10-02T11:01:00.000-05:00

"These Hard Times"
Needtobreathe

Give me something brighter

Give me something I can see

Give me something vicious

Give me something I can be

Give me all the love and peace

To end these wars

Give me something sacred

Something worth fighting for

It's clear enough to me

The ugliness I see

Is evidence of who I need

Give me an answer

Give me a way out

Give the faith

To believe in these hard times

Give me motivation

Give me all my heart's desires

Show me something gorgeous

Show me 'til my eyes get tired

Give me all the drums and

Show me how to play them loud

Show me how to move

When I can't feel that you're around

It's clear enough to me

The ugliness I see

Is evidence of who I need

Give me an answer

Give a way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

We hide like thieves in shadows

Scared of the sun

We know the light will find us

Us and all we've done

Give me an answer

Give me a way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Football and the Church

2009-09-28T10:48:00.000-05:00

I am a Detroit Lions fan. If you pay attention to football at all you will know the Lions had an 0-19 record going into yesterdays game. At the end of the fourth quarter it seems the Lions would beat the Redskins 19-14. Lions Win! This is a big day for any Lions fan. As I was reading up on the NFL this morning, I clicked on the "what did we learn in week 3" link. There is a feature on the Lions win, yada yada but what I noticed were the comments people were leaving.

They said things like "I'm a thirty year Packer fan but nothing makes me happier (almost) than seeing the Lions win. Go Lions Go!", "Congrats Detroit faithful. From Baltimore", "Happy for Detroit here in Colorado" and "Congrats Detroit, and I'm not a "Lion". "

All over the country excitement for the Lions is expressed. It's kind of crazy but it does make me smile.

It also makes me wonder if the Church* couldn't take a lesson from football fans. What would it look like for the Church in Tennessee to route for the Church in Oregon. Or the Church in California hears something great about the Church in New York and says "way to go, way to be!" Not that the Church necessarily needs a cheerleader, but that we can all be excited about what God is doing across the country and not so consumed with just our Church (team). What if the Church actually noticed and encouraged each other?

The Church could use a lesson from NFL fans.

*Church--big C, not individual little "c" churches...not individual denominations but all the believers.

Compliments

2009-09-22T15:28:00.000-05:00

I am a words of affirmation girl! If you have ever read "The Five Love Languages" you will know what I mean. If you haven't read it--you should. It's very enlightening! Try not to get bogged down with the fact there are the love languages for singles, for teenagers, for children and for couples. If you get confused...just go for the original "The Five Love Languages". A short overview--there are 5 basic love languages that everyone needs, however typically there is one that is your "main" source of love...or you feel loved more so when this love language is used. Make sense? I hope so.

Anyway, as previously mentioned, I'm a words of affirmation girl. I remember what people say about me, good or bad. This can be crippling. Crippling if its a negative comment--I can get stuck in that identity for a long period of time and have a demeaning view of self. Crippling if it's a positive comment--I can get stuck in that identity and become very prideful.

In the last few months I have had an outrageous number of people give me good words to remember. They probably aren't even aware that what they have said was a compliment. Unintential compliments are my favorite. For some reason they seem pure and untainted. They are so refeshing, like jumping in the water from a fire hydrant on a hot summer day or a drink of cold water after you get done working out.

Compliments are precious. Words can change a life. Be intential with your words, you never know what people will remember.

30 was Full

2009-09-20T22:55:00.000-05:00

Well, in one hour it will officially be my birthday. I thought I'd reflect a little on how 30 went. As I was gearing up to turn 30, my older and wiser friends kept telling me that your 30's are so much better than your 20's so here is 30...in review.

*Parasailing in Tampa
*First Annual Fall Fest O' Rama
*New Years Eve Benefit
*Survived Tax Season
*lost a pant size
*Planed/spoke at first annual BNL Retreat
*Stopped teaching Awaken
*Went to Italy
*Began writing first book
*Lost my job
*Learning to wait

It's been a full year. I'm definitely much different now than I was last year. Its an odd feeling--maturing, --not just getting older--but seeing yourself make different choices, take new risks, understand yourself a little deeper, I have to say it's definitely better than my 20s.

A Journal Excerpt...

2009-09-19T11:02:00.000-05:00

Today is a day of review. Some days I am weary with review but today is not one of those days. Its more of a "remember" review--there is a sweetness to it. I'm sitting at Starbucks, listening to the rain over the hum of conversation and typical jazz music. "Our God Reigns" was a lyric I heard today. Not only does He "reign" but He "rains" too. He is Sovereign and doesn't make my brain to comprehend the future--but to be in constant communication with Him. Peace will continue to allude me if I constantly plan--and according to Sarah Young--always planning is a form of unbelief.

My verses for today: "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may life you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. I Peter 5:6-7. "In his heart man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9. "Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him and He will do this." Psalm 37:5.

In the last two weeks I have referenced all three of these verse in conversation--not only to encourage others but in my story as well. I need to remember that God wants to lift me up--in due time. I need to commit to and trust in Him--today. He's not asking about tomorrow--just today. Don't plan--trust. Fight against society and trust.

awake...

2009-09-10T23:38:00.000-05:00

So, I'm awake. I'm not normally awake at this time, so I thought if I got my thoughts out of my head, maybe I could sleep. I hope my eight faithful readers will enjoy the randomness.

*I should not trash talk, my team always loses. (sp?)
*After the emotional roller coaster that was today, you would think I'd be more tired.
*Am I sure that tea was decaffeinated?
*I wish one of my friends who lives far away was on facebook so I could chat with them.
*Seriously, I only have four thoughts right now?

Maybe I'm more tired than I realize...

Are You Kidding Me?!?

2009-09-03T11:23:00.001-05:00

When I was in Italy, Tiff and I spent two nights in an area is called Cinque Terre. It was fantastic! It's called Cinque Terre because the 5 (cinque) towns are so close together. We took a day and did the 9km hike between the 5 different towns. My friend had warned me to start in town #5 and work my way down to town #1. She said it would be easier that way.

What I do not remember her telling me is that town #5 started with stairs from Hades! They went on for-e-ever! We'd stop and see the overwhelming beauty of the Italian coast, catch our breath and then keep climbing. As we rounded what felt like the 5,000 corner of stairs I exclaimed "Are you kidding me!?!", caught my breath and continued to climb. About 30 steps later we were at the top and were able to walk on flat land for a while.

Skip ahead a few weeks and I am traveling in Michigan via I-69. If you are not from MI you do no realize that summer in MI is also known as "road construction season". As I am sitting in construction traffic I see a sign that says "Construction--Next 26 Miles". After I drove the 26 miles I see another sign that says "Construction--Next 10 Miles". Again, I exclaim "Are you kidding me!?!" After a little eye rolling, I realized that construction only lasted a mile as it had already been completed.

I say "Are you kidding me!?!" a lot. It's only in the last month or two I realize I say that just before break though happens. Whether that is seen in flat ground or no more construction. So, when I felt the Lord asking me to wait, my first reaction was okay. I don't know why, but I will trust you. I'm at the point in waiting where I want to say "Are you kidding me!?!" How much longer?!?"

Maybe my waiting is just another mile. Maybe its just 30 more stairs.

"Those who wait (hope) upon the Lord will renew their strength, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" Isa 40:31

Unemployment Looks Good on Me?

2009-08-17T13:10:00.000-05:00

What exactly have I been up to since I was let go from Southwestern Investment Services? Well, the first week I visited friends and then went to MI. It was grand!

I've been able to help a friend whose mother-in-law passed away. I'll be able to help take care of another friend who recently had back surgery and is going to need someone to make lunch and help him get up and down and around during the day.

I had a dog sitting job last weekend and begin again at another place on Friday. I went to a Neil. T. Anderson conference, and this weekend I'm going to hear Joyce Meyer and next weekend Beth Moore.

I've been learning to focus on today--not what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow.

I've been blessed with friends who take me out for meals or bring them to me. I had lunch with my "high schoolers" who are now all in college. We talked about life and how we all have to put on our "big girl pants" and be adults.

I've gotten my first unemployment check and the food stamps should arrive sometime this week.

I've had a lot of time to be in the Word and write some devos, pray, and read some of the books on my every growing list.

In some of the conversations I've had, people refer to this as a "dark" time and/or the "wilderness". Honestly, if they had not of used those terms, I do not know that I would have ever thought of them. The peace that I am unable to understand is guarding my heart and my mind. I can honestly say I am grateful for this time. I have my moments of stir-craziness, but for the most part--I'm quite happy.

Maybe unemployment does look good on me...

Free

2009-08-10T10:22:00.000-05:00

I looked up this word on dictionary.com. The word free has 36 different meanings.

Over the last couple of weeks free has become my new favorite word. If an event is free, I can attend without agonizing over whether or not I am spending money wisely and/or feeling guilty for spending money on something I enjoy rather than something I need. This is definition 36--without cost, payment or charge

The first definition reads like this: enjoying personal rights or liberty, as a person who is not in slavery: a land of free people. Romans 8:1-2 states "So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death."

The life-giving Spirit has given me liberty from the power of sin that leads to death.

Its interesting to me that I've been dwelling on definition 36 rather than the first definition. I am a free person. Everything is permissible to me, maybe not beneficial but permissible. I even live in the "land of the free". I have spent a lot of time asking if events and meals are free; but have hardly spent any time considering the things from which I have been set free.

Its a simple word. When we see it in stores we go crazy. Buy one, get one free--woo-hoo! I think I need to do a little more "woo-hoo"ing about the items I've been freed from.

When God Answers...

2009-07-28T15:08:00.000-05:00

As I have recently joined the growing list of the unemployed in our country, I have spent a small amount of time re-reading my journal from 2009. Here's an excerpt from May 5th
"...Lord, when are you going to pick me up and throw me into some other job? Right now all I want to do is hole myself up in my apt and read and write..."

Well, God has answered. Everything that is in me wants to find a new job asap. To put my resume in the hands of as many people as soon as possible. Yet, as I pray about where to begin He has asked me to "receive and relax". He has asked that I not be proactive in the search, but to take the time to read and write and wait and trust.

The adventure continues.

More Italy

2009-07-21T11:32:00.001-05:00

Ok Jess, I’ve processed. It’s long. I hope you enjoy it.

We arrived on Wednesday morning and after meeting “pretty Jerome” and “young Austin” while waiting for our luggage, the four of ventured to find the train to take us into Rome. We departed at the Termini train station, each to find our separate dwellings. Tiff and I were staying near the Vatican, while the boys were closer to the train station.

As we entered a new city, whether Rome, Florence, Venice or Cinque Terre we’d find our abode and then wander to get familiar with the area. We stayed in Rome for three days, then Florence for three days, Venice for three days, Cinque Terre for one full day and two nights, back to Florence for two days and then Rome for the night.

Highlights from Each City:

GELATO! The food in general was A-mazing! Everything was fresh, everything, and simple. We do too much to our food over here. Cappuccino—I miss it. I don’t even like it in the States.

Rome—Vatican, Sistine Chapel, Fountain of Trevi, Coliseum, Roman Forum, Pantheon, street vendors, dinners outside with roaming clarinet players, dancers and fire eaters. Cobble stone streets. Rome is a very fast town everything is go, go, go.

Florence—Academia—where Michelangelo’s “David” is. I wasn’t prepared for the greatness of this piece. It really was amazing. The Uffizi Art gallery had some great pieces, but they did tend to look the same to me after a while. We biked through Tuscany. This included a tour of a castle as well as wine and olive oil tasting that they made on the property. There’s something to be said about biking when all you can see are vineyards on one side and olive trees on the other. We ate a truly “Tuscan” meal at Il Laniti, 2.5 hrs later we rolled out of there. Definitely one of the best meals I’ve ever had.

Venice—what can you say about a city whose streets are water? Venice is seemingly a very laid back, friendly town. St. Mark’s Square and St. Mark’s church is amazing. (They smuggled his bones back into Venice from Egypt in a box stuffed full of pork so the Muslims’ wouldn’t search it. AND the church is mainly decorated with gold pirated from others). We saw Andrea Boccelli sing in St. Marks’ Square—words can’t describe. I really loved being on/near the water. We went to Peggy Guggenheim’s place. She has a lot of modern art, which I loved. We a road the grand canal via the “water bus” system and not a gondola. Gondolas are expensive and way too romantic for two highly single girls.

Cinque Terre—is five (cinque) cities along the Italian Coast. This was my favorite—mainly because it’s not too touristy yet, each of the towns are small and the locals recognize you. Its one of those places where everyone looks out for everyone. Kids don’t get away with much because someone is always watching. We hiked the coast on the 4^th of July. It was a 9 km hike, and it kicked my butt. I loved it! It was there I realized how much large bodies of water need to be apart of my life. I am so much calmer around them, and more creative for that matter.

Anyway…that’s a very, very short summary of Italy. If you want funny stories or more detailed randomness…shoot me an email.

Things that are True in Italy:

Italian men are not shy

Wine is cheaper than water

Croissants cheaper than fruit

Coffee cheaper than tea

Italy 09

2009-07-12T11:48:00.001-05:00

Italy--I don't really have the words to sum up what we did or how it was. It was surreal and overwhelming and lavish. I John talks about how God lavishes his love on his children.

There have been so many people who were excited for me and the trip. There are so many people who have said I deserve(d) this trip. Really? I deserved it? Why me and not someone else?

I am grateful to have had this experience. I lack the words to explain all that I feel. In Italy I realized that I am not good a receiving good things. I realized that when I get overwhelmed with beauty or greatness I tend to become quiet and reflective rather than exuberant or giddy.

Ciao!

2009-06-22T10:53:00.001-05:00

In 32ish hrs, I'll be heading for the long awaited vacation! Happy 30th/31st to me!
I'll try and write/post pics...but I'm not promising anything.
Italy--Here I come!

Security in Knowing...

2009-06-19T11:02:00.000-05:00

I’m typically a feelings girl. My feelings tend to lead me in every day decisions. I feel like coffee instead of a latte. I feel like singing really loud and off key today. I feel the peace of God, or lack thereof.

There are many different levels to feelings. Some feelings are deep and some are shallow. In my relationship with Christ, there are some fundamental truths that you feel on a consistent basis. There are others you do not. In Christianese we call this “head knowledge and heart knowledge.”

Some days you just know, you do not feel and you hold on to the knowing until it becomes feeling again. Shane and Shane have the lyric “I know if You change my mind You will change my heart in time.”

As I sat at my desk today, stuffing envelopes, I became aware that although my feelings have been off lately, there is security in the knowing. He hasn’t changed. He won’t change. My Redeemer is still for me.

My heart will change in time.

It's been a day...

2009-06-10T20:49:00.000-05:00

It started well and its ending well, but I have definitely been on a roller coaster today. In the midst of my travels around town, I heard Sara Groves' song"Hello Lord". I have heard it many many times before--but the line

"I don't doubt Your sovereignty I doubt my own ability to listen and to do the right thing and I desperately want to do the right thing..."

I desperately want to do the right thing. For me for now, the right thing is paying attention to me--which I do not do well. Don't get me wrong, I am already hoping that the two weeks in Italy feel like two months. I do not think its a coincidence that I cannot even fathom what will happen upon my return. Most of my 2009 has been anticipating and participating in a major event so after this trip I can't seem to stop asking myself--what's next? Resting? for real? Am I hearing right? And how in the world do I do it??

22 days...

2009-06-01T07:46:00.000-05:00

I leave in 22 days! HIP HIP!
The season of rest has come upon me and I am horrible at resting. It's so easy to fill my time with good things, and I pray for discernment between what is best and what is just good. I need to write more this summer. I need to take care of myself and take time for me. I am not good at taking care of me. It is so much easier to take care of others than myself. However, its a catch 22 since taking care of others can only be done well when I am taking care of me. *sigh*
Life's all about balance I suppose.
Here's to learning what that looks like!

Happy...

2009-05-16T14:12:00.001-05:00

About a year ago I started praying for more guy friends. I had a couple, but I really missed having guy friends I could call to help me fix stuff, or be my "date" to random events, etc.

This morning I was able to sit in my living room with six guy friends; and there were more who couldn't make it. These were the men who came along side and personally walked with me through the planning of the BNL retreat. These were my support system, outside of the amazing women I got to serve with as well.

I love these men so much! They have each uniquely spoken to who I am as a woman, loved by God. Really, it's one of my life-long dreams to have them all sit in a room and make them be friends, of course, some of them already are, and today that kind of happened.

I didn't think a year ago I would have this much. God's faithfulness to do exceedingly abundantly above my expectations...never ceases to amaze me.

Rare Moments of "Here"

2009-05-10T13:49:00.001-05:00

It's not very often I find myself in this place.

The place of having so many deep, yet-to-be-filled longings and overwhelming peace at the same time. Usually things are two separate feelings for me. Usually I move in and out of them depending on the day, hour or minute.

It's a very deep peace, a deep place. If this moment in my life had a soundtrack, I think it would be some old 1940's jazz or blues singer, with a deep baritone voice singing strong and smooth. I should be sitting in the dark corner of said singer's bar soaking in my surroundings, enjoying the moment.

I do not know what tomorrow will hold, I'm not even sure I'll live to see it--this is never a given---but for now, this place, this peace, this depth--surrounds me. Its easy to miss these moments, its easy to want to rush past them to get to the next thing. It can seem too difficult to enjoy the "here". The right now, the "in the midst of", or as some have said "to stop and smell the roses"

I have not determined if this is comfortable. I just know its different.

Accepting...

2009-05-07T18:11:00.000-05:00

In II Samuel 7 and I Chronicles 17 is the Davidic Covenant. These two chapters are almost word for word identical (I love that!) In this passage, the Lord gave the prophet Nathan a vision about building the temple and establishing David's Kingdom forever. David's response is worship--and awe. I Chronicles 17:23--"And now Lord, let the promise you have made concerning your servant and his house be established forever. Do as you have promised"

David accepted it. It makes me wonder--have there been promises God has made me that I haven't accepted?

I mean, that's a pretty big deal--God establishing David's Kingdom forever. David won't live forever, he only lives for a small part of forever, but still he says "Do as you have promised"

Do we say this? Do we trust Him enough to carry out His promises throughout eternity? Do we really believe about generational curses/blessings? Where is our faith? Where is my faith?

What He says--He does. Accept it.

Thinking...

2009-04-28T07:58:00.000-05:00

As a singleton, I've heard over and over that I need to be ok with being single. "If you get comfortable with who you are, then Mr. Right will come along". "You need to be content in your singleness, that's when it happened for me" I'm not a big fan of these statements, not because I think they are false, but because the people stating them are not me. I understand the concept but my story is not your story and just because things worked out that way for you doesn't mean it will for me.

I was talking with my counselor the other day and she mentioned how she had to die to the idea of marriage as a single person and as a wife. We tend to put marriage on a pedestal and then we fall off and are bruised. There is a lot of recovery time. Some days it is painful to let go of desires and entrust Christ.

Whether your single or married--I think this verse in Psalm is a prayer that God will honor. Its not every day that I can honestly say I want Him more than anything else in the world, but I can say that almost every day I have the want to want Him more than anything.

Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
Psalm 86:11

BNL Retreat 09

2009-04-19T22:18:00.001-05:00

Ladies! It was a joy! May the work He began...continue...

Its old...but fantastic...

2009-04-14T15:10:00.001-05:00

If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

ya oh oh no

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I go through the valley If You want me to

72 Years...

2009-04-04T11:51:00.001-05:00

Thursday was a rare ocassion where I found myself home and without much to do. I wanted to go to bed around 7:00pm, but decided that was a little too pathetic. Just to be sure, I text'd a friend and she did agree with my pathetic assesment.

I decided to watch the finale episode of ER. I haven't really watched this show in about six or so years; but loved it when it first started.

There was an older man who was losing his wife and Uncle Jesse was his doctor. The old man looks at Uncle Jesse and says "72 years. That is how long I've known and loved her".

72 years.

A lot of people do not live that long. He had been devoted to this one woman for 72 years. How immeasurably beautiful that is! How content and how secure did she feel in that love? Did she take advantage of it? Was she ever tired of it? Did she ever want more than him and his love?

Throughout the book of Ephesians, Paul discusses that through Christ, God has predestined us (Christ followers) to good works that were prepared before the foundations of the world. He talks about how God, through Christ, has lavished his love on us with all wisdom and understanding. that He gives grace so that through faith we may believe in Him.

And well, I find myself taking advantage of it. I find myself wanting more and not being content in this complete and perfect love that He has offered me. It's hard for me to accept this free gift. To not want to work for it or try and earn it. If I am ________ then I can feel worthy of the gift.

But I don't have to be worthy of His love, and the truth is I'm not. But He freely gives it. He gives it in spite of my screw ups, my utter failures and my sometimes horrible attitude.

And He has loved me for more than 72 years. Before the foundation of the world, He knew me. He chose me. He was/is/will be for me.

More than 72 years...

Did You Miss Me?

2009-03-29T16:00:00.001-05:00

Hi Cyber Friends.

Did you miss me? Its been a long time. However, lately I do not feel I have anything terribly profound to write. I am still reeling from the excited of the MSU victory over Louisville and currently wish I had watched the game next to the annoying Louisville fans I sat next to last week. Then I would say "IN YOUR FACE!" But that's not to terribly nice, so its probably better that I didn't.

Other than that I've just been contemplating the meaning of finding my identity in Christ, what would the future look like if the Church (big "C" not the individual little "c"'s) would work together and do whatever it takes to be unified, what does actual discipleship look like--isn't it longer than a twelve week course, and finally--what do I want to be when I grow up? Oh, as well as getting ready for a trip to Italy, the Bare Naked Ladies retreat and the final six weeks of teaching Awaken.

There is a lot going on in my head and hopefully some more coherent thoughts will develop and I can share them with you. If there's anything you want me to talk about...let me know. :)

Falling....

2009-03-05T15:12:00.001-06:00

Here’s the deal, I don’t like the feeling of falling. It scares me. It’s why I have zero desire to try downhill skiing and it’s why walking on ice makes me nervous and why I’m very tentative if ever on roller skates/blades. Although “trust falls”, I’m totally fine with. Again, my complicated self rears its ugly head. J

So although my head knows there is no more secure place than falling into faith, the actual process of falling, not so comfortable.

Falling into faith requires letting go of the illusion of control. And, well, letting go of that can be scary; because if I really do not control anything, do I truly trust the One who does?

Over and over again He proves Himself trustworthy. I have food, shelter, and clothing. Currently all of my bills are able to be paid and I’m surrounded with people who love me. The truth is, God doesn’t have to give me these things. If I did not have anything He would still be trustworthy. He chooses to give. He doesn’t have to. He’s God. He can do whatever He wants. He doesn’t have to give anything, but He does.

Because He does give; falling into faith should not be an abnormal activity in life. It should be the definition of what it means to be a disciple of Christ.

As I let go of all the things the world tells me to hold on to, to make myself great, I know that in the letting go, in the falling, it will make God’s moving in my life more evident.

So what about you? I know what God is asking me to let go. And in that letting go--my love of God will not be defined my the efforts, but rather by the worship and trust of my heart.

What is it you need to let go of so you can fall?

"I Know Him!!"

2009-02-28T16:58:00.000-06:00

This picture is from one of my favorite scene's in the movie "Elf". Santa is about to arrive and Buddy "knows him"!

Its great isn't it? To know someone. Understanding what makes a person laugh or cry is really an extraordinary power.

I was talking to a friend about how awful her life has been as of late and whether or not God is really for us even when it doesn't seem like it. I do not begin to understand how/why God does (or doesn't) do things; but I know him. I know His character. I know circumstances do not change who He is and does not stop His love for us. Yes, circumstances make us doubt, wonder, scream and walk away limping. But I know Him! He has given us everything we need for life and godliness through Himself. And He found me so I can know Him.

Joy in the Brokeness

2009-02-15T20:17:00.000-06:00

I've been teaching through the book of Philippians so far this year. Next week we'll start chapter 3.

Philippians was written by Paul, when he was under house arrest in Rome awaiting trial. While there he had to pay for the apt. he was "renting" as well as pay the salary of the guards who were guarding him. The church in Philippi had sent him some money and the book of Philippians is his "thank you" letter to them.

The more I read this book, the more I realize that Paul deeply loves the church in Philippi. He misses them, longs to be with them again. He enjoys them and uses the word "joy" or "rejoice" 14 different times, in 4 chapters.

So, what is joy? Awaken has defined joy as deeper than happiness, not based on circumstances. It is directly related to, and flows out of our relationship with Christ. He is the supplier of joy. It is through this vertical relationship with him, that our horizontal life can function. Happiness is in the horizontal, but joy is deeper.

Does that make sense?

Ok, I'm going to assume that it does. That being said, our pastor was praying last Tuesday night and said "May our brokenness be replaced with joy".

Wait! I have a question. If joy is the overflow of my relationship with Christ, do not I already have joy in the brokenness? Isn't the broken/hurt/crap part of life, where joy is proven strongest? If joy isn't based on circumstances...

And I have to believe that it touches the heart of God when, in the midst of the brokenness, we recognize there is joy.

Why do I believe this? Because I've lived it. Because my life is evidence that joy is deeper than the horizontal heaviness and heartbreak that stares me in the face on a daily basis.

So do I want my brokenness to be replaced with joy? Or do I really desire joy to be evident in the brokenness?

Superbowl 2009

2009-01-28T08:16:00.000-06:00

While working out yesterday (yes, I've started doing that again) I was watching a little from each of the four tv's that are at the front of the gym. You know, the ones that are supposed to keep your mind off the fact that your sweating like a man. Anyway...

I was reading/watching an interview with Kurt Warner, the quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals. Apparently he's had a rocky career, one plagued with injuries and some bouts of sitting the bench. I believe they were debating whether or not he was "Hall of Fame" material. As they interviewed him he said something along the lines of this:

"I've always wanted to play my best. I want anyone who has ever played with me to be able to say "I was a better player and person because I worked along side of Kurt Warner." That's all."

If you delve more into Kurt's story, you know that he attributes any success that he has ever had to God and the grace that God has bestowed upon him to preserver through whatever adversity was thrown his way.

It made me think, is that what I want? Is that true of me? Can people say "I am a better person, just from being around Heather"? Do I want it to be? That's a high standard to hold yourself to, isn't it?

As I think and wrestle with that question, I will also be routing for the Cardinals!

Songs...

2009-01-26T14:39:00.001-06:00

They've been my comfort as of late, so I thought I'd share a few lines from the playlist in my head. Do you know what song they are?? :)

"Teach me how to cling to you, with all my life and all my love. Father come to me, hold me up, cause I can barely stand. My strength is gone and my breath is short, I can't reach out my hands...."

"No guilt in life, no fear in death! This is the pow'r of Christ in me..."

"I am in the sun. I am in the shade. I am in the light that love has made. I in the cold. I am in the warm. I am in the center of your storm. I am in the fire I am in the flood I am in the marrow and the blood..."

"I need a piece of mind, I need a piece of You, to cover all that is gone and everything that's new."

"Walking with You in not without hazards and tripping's this traveler's curse....truth mixed with my imperfection...what should I say to them? What if I'm failing them?... lately I'm wondering if you are mistaken.. Do you speak through the unbroken?... Should I tell them that I am an example of all you can do with a life?"

"I wanna to live like there's no tomorrow, I wanna dance like no ones around. I wanna sing like no one's listening, before I lay my body down. I wanna give like I have plenty. I wanna love like I'm not afraid. I wanna be the (wo)man I was meant to be...

"I delight myself in the richest offer. Trading all that I have, for all that is better. A garment of praise for my heaviness. You are the greatest taste...you're the riches of faith..."

The list could go on and on. It was a good weekend. :)

Generations Will Reap What I Sow...

2009-01-20T14:25:00.001-06:00

Yesterday the 44th President of the United States was sworn in to office. At the end of his inaugural address he quotes the following:

When I heard these words, my immediate reaction was not to fight for my country, but rather, for my God. Life is different today than it was yesterday. My children's futures will be

different than mine; and this is a good thing. We do not want to be a static people.

Prayer...

2009-01-11T18:48:00.000-06:00

Ok, I have a small, "uncool", confession. Since Christmas I have been listening to TobyMac's "portable sounds" cd...almost non-stop. Weird? I don't know; but its a good one for now. Anyway...

At the end of his last track he says this: "May Your kingdom be what wakes us up and lays us down."

I love that. There is so much peace to be found in that statement. May the reason I get up and the reason I rest be because of His kingdom work. May I feel His commands/callings/leadings/hopes/desires for my life are greater than my own and may I trust that He is for me.

May His kingdom be what wakes you up and what lays you down.

Answers...

2009-01-03T21:16:00.000-06:00

"Because I said no." was the phrase I heard a father tell his son last night. I was at a local watering hole waiting for a table. This statement made me smile and remember.

I used to hear that phrase all the time growing up. Apparently I liked to ask a lot of questions. Most children go through the "why" stage, you know the one...where the child asks "why" to every answer the parent gives. My mother usually used "Because I said so" or "Why not."

Most of my "why" questions come in prayer now. I would like to think I can handle anything that comes my way as long as I know the "why" behind it. Sometimes God is gracious and tells me the why. Sometimes He waits for "hind sight" to explain things to me. And other times, well its simply "because I said no." There is no other explanation. And if we are honest, there we shouldn't need another explanation. It should be enough.

Granted, the boy walked away from his father frustrated and many times I walk away from my Heavenly Father frustrated. "Because I said no" seems so unfair, ungracious, and plain ol' mean.

But really, did the father say "no" because he wanted to withhold joy from his son? More than likely it was because the father knew what was best for the boy. "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" (Matt 7:11)

How much more is waiting for us, when we embrace the "because I said no"? How much more will the Heavenly Father give...

Glory in the Highest...

2008-12-23T14:01:00.001-06:00

Shane and Shane's new CD "Glory in the Highest" has been on continual play in my car this season. The 2nd to last track is my favorite on the CD. The lyric I remember goes like this

"The Holy One of Israel...became the lowest..so we could call Him, Glory in the Highest...."

He became low; so we could exalt Him.

May your next few days be spent enjoying the Glory in the Highest.

Merry Christmas!

p.s. there is A LOT o' snow here in MI. :)

Invitation

2008-12-16T22:00:00.000-06:00

Fitting in….we all want to. That’s what makes Jr. High so rough. You’re in an awkward stage of life where you want to look “right” or “normal”, whatever that is. And it gets even more complicated when “normal” and “right” are actually “individualistic” and “not like everyone else”. It’s a confusing place, Jr. High. And to make matters worse, no one warns you the trend repeats in your mid-late 20’s; your 30’s etc. You still want to “fit in”, “be cool”, and “know what’s going on”.

There’s just something about being chosen, or picked first. It makes you feel like at least someone wants to be around you. Someone really cares what is going on in your world.

Invitation…its unspoken and yet very present in our every day lives. The shepherds are no exception. How many people had passed by them while they were living in the fields, keeping watch over the flocks? I imagine they felt overlooked and forgotten about a good amount of the time. The shepherds are the people who never received an invitation to any wedding feast or church service. They never received an invitation, until the night Christ was born.

Luke 2:8-15 tells us that the shepherds were the first to hear of the birth of the Christ child. And they ran to find him. I imagine their hearts filled with hope when they heard that He was a Savior for all people. Most of their lives the religious people had been excluding them from anything that had to do with God and then angels appeared to them telling them the good news. He is for all people.

In our world today, other religions will try and tell you that Christianity excludes people, don’t believe the lie. He is for us, all of us.

What about you? Feeling excluded? Trying really hard to fit in? Want someone/anyone to notice you? I have good news:

You are invited.

You, too, can run to find Him.

Jesus, may we hear the invitation you offer us. May we run to find where you are. May you meet us here. Amen

Snow...

2008-12-11T17:41:00.000-06:00

It's failing outside my window.

It's sticky, cold and beautiful.

I am listening to Bebo sing about the Christ child and I can see the white lights of my borrowed Christmas tree out of the corner of my eye.

It's my brother's birthday.

I wonder what he is up to today and wait with eager anticipation to see him in a couple of weeks.

I miss my family.

I cannot wait to celebrate our Savior's birth together.

It is going to be crazy and chaotic, fast and loud. And people will ask "how can you do it all" and I will explain again I do not know any differently.

I'm excited to see my cousins son, how much he's grown in a year and to meet his two new baby sisters.

I am praying about/for the conversations that will happen.

It's not going to be long enough. I'm praying for time to stand still, that although it may not be quanity of time; it'll be quality.

I'm also hoping there will be snow.

Maybe I'm Just Bitter...

2008-12-08T21:37:00.000-06:00

One of my stops along the shopping highway this holiday season was a major Christian Book Store. After finding what I was looking for, I reluctantly wandered into the "Single" book section. This wasn't my first time in this isle.

I had been here many times before, looking for "Lady in Waiting", "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" or whatever was the new "cool" book about singleness. This wander down the isle was different. There was a lot of eye rolling and "are you serious?!?" thoughts. Now, I do not want to discredit any type of ministry these books have had in young, single people's lives. I know they have probably helped advanced the kingdom in many, many ways. However, I couldn't help but wonder if titles like "Thrill of the Chaste", "First Class Single" "He's Hot, She's Hot--What to look for in the Opposite Sex"; "Gift-Wrapped by God" and (my favorite) "Get Married: What Women can do to Help it Happen" were missing something. Or maybe, I've become that bitter single woman I've never wanted to be?

Why aren't there books entitled "Single...why I like it." "Single, and Thriving" or "What My Singleness Taught Me". Is there no one in our culture who is willing to agree with I Corinthians 7; instead of cringing?*

The truth is "single and thriving" is counter cultural. Its counter cultural to find your identity in Christ. It is counter cultural to not "need" another person to fix you and to find our significance and value outside of your relationship status.

Its cross cultural; but I am hoping and praying it becomes the norm. Eph. 1:11-12 says that is in In Christ that we find out who we are.

In Christ...we find out.

*Now, before those who know me best call me out on my hypocrisy; I just want to clarify; although I think single and thriving is obtainable; I am not always there. Today is a good day

This Type of Frustration...

2008-11-30T22:07:00.001-06:00

“He just doesn’t stay where I put Him.”

Yeap, that was one of my thoughts driving home last week. Recently God and I have been working through my trust issues and I find myself frustrated; frustrated that He is not an “if, then” God. Let me explain…

Having grown up in a church where you get together on Sunday’s to congratulate each other on what you have not done all week, I have this mentality that “if” I obey all the things God has laid out in scripture “then” He will do/give/be what I need Him to do/give/be. When I read through the Old Testament there are a lot of “if, then” situations. If Moses had talked to the rock instead of hitting it, then he would have been able to enter the Promise Land. If King Saul had waited for Samuel before making the sacrifice, then God would have blessed Israel; and so on and so forth.

(And, yes, I am aware that this mentality makes God seem like a puppet, that man is the one running the universe and not God and there is no grace in the equation… Nevertheless, this is the false mentality I struggle with…)

So, I find myself frustrated because I cannot get it right. Just when I think I know the place to find God…He moves.

He moves for me.

He moves so I remember that He is and I am not. He moves to do what is best for me; not what I, in my shortsightedness, want. He moves mountains so I do not have to climb them; and He makes rough places smooth. He moves hope, joy, peace, and trust into my life to replace the apathy, sadness, restlessness and pity. He continues to be more faithful to me than I want and He refuses to stay where I put Him.

Is this frustrating? Yes.

Is it good? Definitely!

We need more frustration like this…

THAT Guy...

2008-11-19T21:56:00.000-06:00

If you have ever been to Kairos on a Tuesday night, you’ve heard him. You really can’t miss it. “AAAMMMEEENN! AMEN!” (yes, they typically come in two's)

Typically you can tell who is visiting Karios for the first time and haven’t meet the "amen guy" yet. Their response is either a snicker or an eye roll.

If you have been coming for a couple of months, you are typically annoyed and feel like he is interrupting; yet you are secretly waiting to hear him. After a while, instead of the snicker or annoyance, you find a familiar, comfortable smile on your face and you nod along in agreement.

It’s an interesting metamorphosis from snicker to annoyance to familiar smile. You start to acknowledge that his “Amens” confirm truth and you realize that maybe, just maybe, he is the “amen guy” because you just don’t have the courage to express it like he does. You appreciate his exuberance because really, in the deep parts of you, you wish you could be that vocal.

Personally, I think his amen’s are so loud because he’s making up for us who are too concerned about what others are thinking to shout from the deep parts of us. Yahweh deserves the praise the “amen guy” gives. He deserves it from all of us; and very few of us follow through with obedience in spite of eye rolls and snickers. So thank you “amen guy”. Thank you for your amens; and for being bold when others, like me, are too afraid.

Buckle Up--Its a long one...

2008-11-13T21:59:00.000-06:00

Ever have one of those days? Where at every turn a person challenges you, how you think or how you act. They call you out on how you have been treating the world lately? That’s who last Friday started for me.

It had been a crazy week at work and I was finally feeling caught up and went to have lunch with a friend/mentor. I thought it was going to be an easy lunch. I mean, it was our first one. I had just planned on asking her to pray for me. We discussed so many different thoughts, ideas, and life applications that I’m not even sure I have processed them all well. I did I share with her that I was going on this retreat because God had told me too; but I was going “kicking and screaming”. She challenged me to not hold my hands so tightly closed; but to lay them open and let God give and take away whatever needed to be this weekend. It was shortly after this lunch that I realized most of my crazy week; had distracted me from preparing my heart for whatever it was that God would have for me in the next 48 hours. Looking back, I understand why all the trouble.

You see, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to encourage women to understand who they are in Christ through the written and spoken word. And because I see a small portion of how God is weaving my life into part of His bigger story. I thought I would just take off and run with the puzzle piece I had. I was confident I could figure it out.

My lunch on Friday had left my heart raw. I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to make it through the weekend without being all blubbery and boo-hooey. It helped prepare me to become completely humbled before the Lord. Brokenness, I believe that’s what it’s called.

As a recovering perfectionist, brokenness is hard. It means you do not have it all together and although you already know this; it still makes you want to scratch your eyes out when you are confronted with it.

Friday night Chris Brooks talked about how God crosses over our excuses and confronts us with Himself; basically answering all our insecurities and excuses by saying “Now what?” Saturday a.m. consisted of being challenged to royally waste your life on the cause of Christ. In these two sessions he briefly mentioned what success looks like. A lot of times we in the Christian sub-culture take a look at what the world calls successful; stamp a the word “Christian” or “God” on it and call that success. But really, what does success look like in the Kingdom? It’s not about our being famous; but about royally wasting our lives to make Him famous. The struggle is this: What makes Him famous; will do nothing for us.

Over and over again I hear God tell me “dream big, baby girl, dream big.” I now have to ask myself…has my definition of success, have my dreams been about Him or about me? What does success for the kingdom really look like?

Saturday evening Chris talked about a great deal of things that my hands were held to tightly closed to receive. I remember three things. First, that it’s ok to still be struggling with the same issue you were 10 years ago, let me say that again...it is o.k. Second, you need to forgive. Third, he mentioned chocolate cake and Bill Cosby.

At this point I don’t have any more space in my head for the information God was giving me. Right before the Saturday night service, I had a conversation with a friend about how unforgiveness holds us back, my heart was still so raw from lunch on Friday and how I go about defining my success; and all I could see was how royally messed up my life has been as of late; and I couldn’t even seem to find a plate…let alone chocolate cake…it was a very low point for me.

Then we started on our way to the bonfire. I saw a friend up ahead that I wanted to give a hug, so I took off running. And well, it was dark and I fell; scrapped hands, bruised knee and everything. It had to be funny to watch. As I rolled over; I realized this is exactly where God wanted me. In that split second I heard the word “dependant”. Somewhere along the way I had been working/teaching/living independently. I’m still not sure where the disconnect occurred; but what I am aware of is that I do not know how to be dependant. I don’t know how to be o.k. coming to him on a daily basis. I do not know how to reconcile in my brain that its o.k. to bring the same issue to him day after day after day.

My prayer is that I would understand the glory of the daily; that He would help me pray with hands open; and that He would remind me what falling face down before Him is really about.

My mom had asked me how the retreat was. I said “hard”. Again, as a recovering perfectionist it’s hard to be confronted with all of your “blah”. Its hard to pray with hands held open; allowing God to give and take away. Its hard to be still and understand this is exactly why He came; so that I could be in these places and know that His great grace and mercy have made me dependant, daily.

There is so much more to process. I am not comfortable here; but I am thankful. I am thankful that I do not understand. I am thankful that He is increasing my desire to pray with hands open and my desire to define success differently. I am thankful for each of you who have read this far in this amazingly long entry. I am thankful for the comfort and peace in the midst of everything uncomfortable. I am thankful I am learning to be dependant.

Prayer o' Courage

2008-11-04T08:40:00.001-06:00

This is a tough one...but a life changing nonetheless...

"No longer will I be concerned about what self wants; but about what Christ wants. When I pray I will not always be asking for things for my comfort and convenience but rather I will be seeking a place in God's will and asking for grace to stand where God wants me. I will not strive to show my love for God by the efforts of the flesh, but rather by the worship and trust of my heart. I will no longer try to show what great things I can do for Him, but will yield myself to Him so that He can show the world what great things He can do for me." ~~Buell H Kazee

Theme Song...a New One.

2008-10-23T19:22:00.000-05:00

This week there have been a lot of different events that continue to sit and roll around in my head. I am not even sure how to process them so I think they will sit there until I do figure out how to process it all. I went to the Art, Music and Justice concert and left wanting to move to India or the Philippines to help with the recovery programs of the girls who come out of the underground sex slave operations. It's also where I found my new theme song for life (its below)

Wednesday I had TNT and was challenged in how I look/read/interpret/apply scripture. It was great, but I have a feeling its going to be there for a while. But; for now...here's my new theme song; written by Charlie Peacock...circa 1995 I think; but this was the first time I heard it...

Monkeys at the Zoo

Will it be different now or the same? Will I have learned anything?
Or was it just a way to spend a day or two
Set aside for thinking thoughts about You?
If that's all it was I had a good time

But that won't be enough for me, not this year not anytime soon
I have got to clean house, gotta make my bed, gotta clear my head
It's getting kind of stuffy in here, smells sorta funky too
Like monkeys at the zoo

I have been a whoring after things cause I wanna feel safe inside
That's a big fat lie
No amount of green, gold or silver
Will ever take the place of the peace of God
Spirit come flush the lies out
Spirit come flush the lies out

Will it be different now or the same? Have I changed at all?
And if you were to dive deep inside my soul would you find Jesus there
Or a gaping hole?

Should I be content with my beautiful Christian life?
I have been a whoring after things cause I wanna get everything right
That's a big fat lie

No amount of green, gold or silver, the perfect body, another hot toddy
Work for the Lord, fame & power, power and sex
A seat at a table at the Belle Meade Country Club
Here's the rub: nothing will ever take the place of the peace of God

Spirit come flush the lies out
Spirit come flush the lies out

Will it be different now or the same?
Will I have learned anything?

Its that time...

2008-10-12T21:52:00.001-05:00

I feel the need to update...but do not have anything to say.

Work has been busy.
Life outside of work has been fun, but busy.
Two more weeks till vacation. I am going parsailing! And on a photo trip w/ a professional photographer. I feel like a fake when it comes to talking camera stuff. I just point and shoot really. It's nice.

Last Two Weeks in Pictures

2008-09-29T18:03:00.001-05:00

3oth Birthday and what not

Leigh and me

Josh and my awesome s'more!

Nicole

Brad and the fire...

Karen, me, Lisa

some of my 30 roses

ben, me, dean

Jennie's Wedding Weekend

Laura, Jennie, me

Laura and I

beautiful bride...and me

It's Offical, I am 30...

2008-09-22T07:48:00.001-05:00

“I think I’ll take a moment, to celebrate my age. The ending of an era and the turning of a page…” Having just turned 30, I thought I’d see if I have done 30 exciting things in my life. (And yes, I’m going to try and make my life sound as glamorous as a girl from Mayville can)

Rode the MRT around Singapore
Tried out to be on Wheel of Fortune
Been to the top of the John Hancock building
Finished a ½ marathon
Rode horses in the ocean off the coast of South Africa
Have seen the Cape of Good Hope
I’ve stood in Nelson Mandela’s old cell
I’ve been ziplining through the Belize rain forest
I’ve gotten drenched in Cozumel, Mexico
Played with monkey’s in Honduras
Visited a straw market in the Bahamas
Seen over 1,000 students come to know Christ in Guatemala
Been privileged to watch four young woman walk/work through high school
Sang the National Anthem at a Spurs game
Sang the National Anthem while pulling away from the Pearl Harbor Memorial
I have eaten from a Ukrainian McDonalds (where the food actually looks like the picture)
Volunteered in homeless shelters in Chicago, Grand Rapids, and Nashville
Graduated High School
Graduated College
I’ve seen 4th of July fireworks with the Washington Monument as the background
I’ve been in airports in Tokyo and Amsterdam
I’ve been to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
Received an “honorable mention” in a national photography contest
Taken many “senior pictures”
Have had 18 different roommates since the fall of 1996
Visited Vineyards in MI and TN
I’ve worked for First Priority
I do not have just “one” best friend…I think I have 8 or so.
Been a camp counselor
Lead the song worship for a coffee house ministry, and now teach there

There are many other hopes/dreams for the future, and so many more things I could have actually listed here. I am thankful for these and the opportunities to come. The next 30 years should prove just as rewarding as the last have been…

LOTR

2008-09-10T16:33:00.000-05:00

In the 3rd Lord of the Rings movie, Gandalf and Pipen are awaiting a battle. (which one I cannot specifically remember.) They are on the balcony looking towards Mount Doom and Gandalf says "it's the like the deep breath before the plunge."

I have always loved this line. It is suitable for so many situations! Again I find myself in a position where I am on cusp of being moved. My spirit is anxious and ready for whatever is next. My mind is slightly freaking out and my emotions have many unsteady moments.

I find myself wondering how long the deep breath is. How long until the plunge? How long until the battle begins and the next chapter is started?

In the last three years I consistently hear God whisper "dream big, baby girl...dream big." I wonder if this, this next whatever, is what I've been told to dream big for. As I continue to find my identity through the voice of my creator, I continue to be anxious to be me..24/7. I am my spirit is ready to constantly use "new" gifts and talents, instead of just outside of work.

Yet, in seemingly a contradictory fashion, I also hear "enjoy this while it lasts". "It isn't going to always be this small and this simple." I think He says this so my mind can ease into the "next whatever".

I have never really felt the dicotamy of spirit and mind before, or at least this intense. I will be excited when they align themselves again. Until then I will enjoy where I am and be faithful to what I have in front of me today.

Birthday-Palooza and Randomness

2008-09-04T16:00:00.001-05:00

It's September again. This is hard to believe, it seems like just yesterday I was in the middle of tax season praying it'd be over soon. With September comes Birthday-Palooza. There are a handful of days in September that I do not know someone who has a birthday and some days are doubled, even tripled up with the opportunity to celebrate the life of my family and friends.

For example it's the 4th of September and this evening I'll be attending my 2nd birthday party so far this month. Growing up, my mom's side of the family would have a "September Birthday" party. We'd gather one night, instead of 8 different ones, to celebrate. This needs to be instituted in my adult life. And sometimes it is. My friends Rachel, Lisa and I are going out to celebrate our respective birthday's together.

I love September. It used to be because that is when autumn started; however this is not true in the south. It has now become a very reflective, yet hectic, month. The reflectiveness may have started in college with the new school year, etc.

So...here's to September. Happy Birthday Everyone!

Angels

2008-08-26T08:02:00.000-05:00

I was unaware of how worried I am for the health of my brother. In the last two days, 3 people have asked about him and I've gotten to share his story once.

It was in the sharing of this story and the prayer that followed that I was informed there are two angels that are currently protecting my brother.

I am thankful for this reminder and the truth of it.

He's getting really skinny people.

Please pray for him...