This Type of Frustration...

“He just doesn’t stay where I put Him.”

Yeap, that was one of my thoughts driving home last week. Recently God and I have been working through my trust issues and I find myself frustrated; frustrated that He is not an “if, then” God. Let me explain…

Having grown up in a church where you get together on Sunday’s to congratulate each other on what you have not done all week, I have this mentality that “if” I obey all the things God has laid out in scripture “then” He will do/give/be what I need Him to do/give/be. When I read through the Old Testament there are a lot of “if, then” situations. If Moses had talked to the rock instead of hitting it, then he would have been able to enter the Promise Land. If King Saul had waited for Samuel before making the sacrifice, then God would have blessed Israel; and so on and so forth.

(And, yes, I am aware that this mentality makes God seem like a puppet, that man is the one running the universe and not God and there is no grace in the equation… Nevertheless, this is the false mentality I struggle with…)

So, I find myself frustrated because I cannot get it right. Just when I think I know the place to find God…He moves.

He moves for me.

He moves so I remember that He is and I am not. He moves to do what is best for me; not what I, in my shortsightedness, want. He moves mountains so I do not have to climb them; and He makes rough places smooth. He moves hope, joy, peace, and trust into my life to replace the apathy, sadness, restlessness and pity. He continues to be more faithful to me than I want and He refuses to stay where I put Him.

Is this frustrating? Yes.

Is it good? Definitely!

We need more frustration like this…

THAT Guy...

If you have ever been to Kairos on a Tuesday night, you’ve heard him. You really can’t miss it. “AAAMMMEEENN! AMEN!” (yes, they typically come in two's)

Typically you can tell who is visiting Karios for the first time and haven’t meet the "amen guy" yet. Their response is either a snicker or an eye roll.

If you have been coming for a couple of months, you are typically annoyed and feel like he is interrupting; yet you are secretly waiting to hear him. After a while, instead of the snicker or annoyance, you find a familiar, comfortable smile on your face and you nod along in agreement.

It’s an interesting metamorphosis from snicker to annoyance to familiar smile. You start to acknowledge that his “Amens” confirm truth and you realize that maybe, just maybe, he is the “amen guy” because you just don’t have the courage to express it like he does. You appreciate his exuberance because really, in the deep parts of you, you wish you could be that vocal.

Personally, I think his amen’s are so loud because he’s making up for us who are too concerned about what others are thinking to shout from the deep parts of us. Yahweh deserves the praise the “amen guy” gives. He deserves it from all of us; and very few of us follow through with obedience in spite of eye rolls and snickers. So thank you “amen guy”. Thank you for your amens; and for being bold when others, like me, are too afraid.

Buckle Up--Its a long one...

Ever have one of those days? Where at every turn a person challenges you, how you think or how you act. They call you out on how you have been treating the world lately? That’s who last Friday started for me.

It had been a crazy week at work and I was finally feeling caught up and went to have lunch with a friend/mentor. I thought it was going to be an easy lunch. I mean, it was our first one. I had just planned on asking her to pray for me. We discussed so many different thoughts, ideas, and life applications that I’m not even sure I have processed them all well. I did I share with her that I was going on this retreat because God had told me too; but I was going “kicking and screaming”. She challenged me to not hold my hands so tightly closed; but to lay them open and let God give and take away whatever needed to be this weekend. It was shortly after this lunch that I realized most of my crazy week; had distracted me from preparing my heart for whatever it was that God would have for me in the next 48 hours. Looking back, I understand why all the trouble.

You see, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to encourage women to understand who they are in Christ through the written and spoken word. And because I see a small portion of how God is weaving my life into part of His bigger story. I thought I would just take off and run with the puzzle piece I had. I was confident I could figure it out.

My lunch on Friday had left my heart raw. I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to make it through the weekend without being all blubbery and boo-hooey. It helped prepare me to become completely humbled before the Lord. Brokenness, I believe that’s what it’s called.

As a recovering perfectionist, brokenness is hard. It means you do not have it all together and although you already know this; it still makes you want to scratch your eyes out when you are confronted with it.

Friday night Chris Brooks talked about how God crosses over our excuses and confronts us with Himself; basically answering all our insecurities and excuses by saying “Now what?” Saturday a.m. consisted of being challenged to royally waste your life on the cause of Christ. In these two sessions he briefly mentioned what success looks like. A lot of times we in the Christian sub-culture take a look at what the world calls successful; stamp a the word “Christian” or “God” on it and call that success. But really, what does success look like in the Kingdom? It’s not about our being famous; but about royally wasting our lives to make Him famous. The struggle is this: What makes Him famous; will do nothing for us.

Over and over again I hear God tell me “dream big, baby girl, dream big.” I now have to ask myself…has my definition of success, have my dreams been about Him or about me? What does success for the kingdom really look like?

Saturday evening Chris talked about a great deal of things that my hands were held to tightly closed to receive. I remember three things. First, that it’s ok to still be struggling with the same issue you were 10 years ago, let me say that again...it is o.k. Second, you need to forgive. Third, he mentioned chocolate cake and Bill Cosby.

At this point I don’t have any more space in my head for the information God was giving me. Right before the Saturday night service, I had a conversation with a friend about how unforgiveness holds us back, my heart was still so raw from lunch on Friday and how I go about defining my success; and all I could see was how royally messed up my life has been as of late; and I couldn’t even seem to find a plate…let alone chocolate cake…it was a very low point for me.

Then we started on our way to the bonfire. I saw a friend up ahead that I wanted to give a hug, so I took off running. And well, it was dark and I fell; scrapped hands, bruised knee and everything. It had to be funny to watch. As I rolled over; I realized this is exactly where God wanted me. In that split second I heard the word “dependant”. Somewhere along the way I had been working/teaching/living independently. I’m still not sure where the disconnect occurred; but what I am aware of is that I do not know how to be dependant. I don’t know how to be o.k. coming to him on a daily basis. I do not know how to reconcile in my brain that its o.k. to bring the same issue to him day after day after day.

My prayer is that I would understand the glory of the daily; that He would help me pray with hands open; and that He would remind me what falling face down before Him is really about.

My mom had asked me how the retreat was. I said “hard”. Again, as a recovering perfectionist it’s hard to be confronted with all of your “blah”. Its hard to pray with hands held open; allowing God to give and take away. Its hard to be still and understand this is exactly why He came; so that I could be in these places and know that His great grace and mercy have made me dependant, daily.

There is so much more to process. I am not comfortable here; but I am thankful. I am thankful that I do not understand. I am thankful that He is increasing my desire to pray with hands open and my desire to define success differently. I am thankful for each of you who have read this far in this amazingly long entry. I am thankful for the comfort and peace in the midst of everything uncomfortable. I am thankful I am learning to be dependant.

Prayer o' Courage

This is a tough one...but a life changing nonetheless...

"No longer will I be concerned about what self wants; but about what Christ wants. When I pray I will not always be asking for things for my comfort and convenience but rather I will be seeking a place in God's will and asking for grace to stand where God wants me. I will not strive to show my love for God by the efforts of the flesh, but rather by the worship and trust of my heart. I will no longer try to show what great things I can do for Him, but will yield myself to Him so that He can show the world what great things He can do for me." ~~Buell H Kazee