May 16, 2005


So, I've been in a weird funk the last...Oh...All of 2005. It's been fairly frustrating as I was looking forward to this year being better than last, however it's proved more difficult. Whadda ya do?

In the midst of the great community God has placed me in I feel very alone. It's a little disheartening. I keep begging God to show me how he's pursuing me and it seems everytime I ask that the desire to be known to my core grows and grows. As a single female...This being known typically is wanted in a man w/skin and there just aren't that many options available to me in that department...Or at least not many I'd actually consider. (you always have the creepy men...But they are creepy for a reason...) Anyway, it dawned on me last Friday that that intense desire to be known IS how God is pursuing me. I want to be known in a way only he is capable of knowing me. To be known completely and still loved...I have that in the person of Christ. But in my selfishness, I'm disappointed.

disappointed, but not without hope. There's this circle of guilt/blame that I'm currently trying to stop..Guilty for feeling like God isn't enough, blaming myself for that guilt..Etc. (It's really quite a ridiculous cycle in my head) But my heart is raw and it just plan hurts.

It hurts to talk about it, it hurts to think about it and somedays it hurts to hope. Although after Saturday evening, the pain has dulled a little. You see, I keep telling God that I'm tired of going through things alone. At the same time, I don't let myself need people. I was raised to be independent and to lay my heart out to need, knowing people won't meet expectations...Well why would I purposely let people hurt me? At least, that was my line of thought. I'm praying for a new one.

At church yesterday we had the Lord's Supper, celebrating the love Christ has for us. It was very symbolic of a new beginning in my journey...The journey to be complete in Christ and in that...Allowing other people to be themselves, giving them freedom from my expectations, because I am complete in Him.

I feel like this post is a bunch of talking in circles...But quite honestly my brain hasn't figured how to make it make more sense. Welcome to my craziness! Hope you enjoy the ride. :)

1 comment:

jillymae said...

your heart always makes more sense than your brain. (i have a hard time with that, too, letting go of the need to make sense logically) the heart is where we all connect =) keep speaking from there. it's beautiful!